1.24.2011

Infertility: A Shared-Suffering


My wife just miscarriage, now what?

Your spouse and you just suffered the news that you just lost your child in a miscarriage. It doesn’t matter what time frame. Days ago, hours,…a couple of weeks. The timeline still seems very insignificant because it just happened to your wife and you. You have hundreds of questions: Do I tell people? What is the proper response? Is this between my wife and I only?

Miscarriages are a  terribly difficult seasons for a marriage. The feelings of joy and anticipation of new life now feel robbed. The feelings of inadequacy, the grief of death, the uncertainty of fertility, the unknown of social engagement.  The awkward moment at church on Mother’s Day, when your wife can barely hold back the tears. (Been there done that) Here’s some simple direct counseling for husbands in that first 1-3 month window after the tragedy.

FOR THE HUSBAND ONLY:
Priority #1: Assure your wife, that her value to you is not based in her functionality. She is valuable to you because YOU LOVE HER. Build security in your wife, by letting her grieve with you.  In other words, if she needs to walk out of a situation, be there with her. If burst into tears while reading facebook news, be there. She feels the weight of failure and inadequacy, BUILD HER UP.

Priority #2: Don’t be the theologian, until she is ready. No one needs to know your thoughts on the whereabouts of the child in glory. No one needs a dissertation on the Problem of Evil, and Why God allows suffering? This is not the season. Wait.  Although, speak correctly of the life she carried. Speak about YOUR (plural) CHILD.

Priority #3: Pleasantly recognize that you might be one day counseling someone else in this as you have suffered through it. We, (Jessica and I ) often have close friends who have been down this road, and it ‘s a bond like none other to discuss this intimate occasion with them.

Priority #4: As time grows, be patient with her. She will desire to get pregnant again. Cheer her on, unless told otherwise by a doctor. Every pregnancy test and ovulation test, cheer her on! She already has the voices of hurt, HUSBAND your job is to drown them out with confidence. Your negativity at any level will destroy her. Talk about, ‘when we am playing with our little boy…’, although painful at first…this helps your wife know that you are envisioning children with her. Either by natural or by adoption…children are a blessing from God, speak that way.

Bottomline: Books should be written in regards to how a man can help his wife through this. Nothing is more valuable than restating time and time again, your relationships security not based on performance. An unconditional election, clearly portrayed by Christ to the church. This builds great foundations for future growth in your marriage.

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